


Days of Pondering

by Kierloin



Category: Mumintroll | Moomins Series - Tove Jansson, 楽しいムーミン一家 | Moomin (Anime)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Illustrated, M/M, freestyling whats beyond moominvalley, gays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 01:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18561256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kierloin/pseuds/Kierloin
Summary: Moomin and Snufkin spend their last autumn day walking by the beach talking and something happens. Spring comes back again as always, but Snufkin doesn't. How will Moomin deal with this?





	1. Sandy Prints, Gray Cloudy Skies, Cold Waves And Two Beating Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> No, Snufkin isn't dead.  
> Sorry for the formatting I really wanted to get something out before going to work.  
> English isn't my main language so sorry for that, I'll also come back and proofread.

Dawn was beginning to break out through the sky in Moominvalley. Moomin was cozy since it had gotten a bit colder, Moominmamma spent some months of the lovely year knitting blankets for him, Moominpappa, Snorkmaiden and her brother, toasty and warm Moomin was dreaming with all his beloved friends and all the adventures they had. Moomin turned over into a more comfortable position and stretched a bit. Until his ear twitched.

He had heard something by the window.  
After more small sounds and ear twitching because of perceiving the sounds Moomin woke up. He stretched his chubby white body and rubbed his eyes trying to fully wake up. After getting out of bed he walked over to his window. His tail started twitching how he could make out Snufkin’s outfit in the pre-sunrise sky. Moomin grabbed the ladder he kept close to window and let it fall carefully and sneaked out. Hoping no one in the house found out he was sneaking off so early.  


When he descended completely Moomin froze and his tail fell down in disappointment.

Snufkin had his backpack and it looked like everything was stored neatly. Moomin gulped remembering how Pappa had said in dinner how he could feel it in his bones that snow was coming soon. Oh, how Moomin would’ve loved for that part to also be a dream. “Moomin?” Snufkin’s voice helped the white troll snap out of it. “Y-yes Snufkin?” Moomin replied trying to look composed. He did a pretty good job actually, but Snufkin knew Moomin and knew his friend was feeling nervous, but he didn’t say a thing to let things roll out naturally.

-“Come on, let’s walk. I feel bad for not saying goodbye to the others, but I really wanted to say goodbye to you.”  
-“So you are leaving…” The troll’s tiny ears dropped down a bit and he sprinted a bit to catch up to his wandering friend.  
-“…Yeah. You guessed right.” Snufkin looked down. “But you know me. I’ll be back next spring.” In that moment Moomin felt like Snufkin was forcing himself to say that.

Upon arriving to the beach Moomin stopped and felt his hand drop to his side. Wait, when did he take Snufkin’s hand? Or was it the other way around? Snufkin had walked a bit past him looking at the waves and the sun rise in the horizon if only just barely.  
-“Say Snufkin.” Moomin approached. -“Yes, Moomin?.”  
-“Do you really like coming back to the valley? Back to me and the others?”  
-“Why do you ask such things?” Snufkin turned back to look at his white fluff of a friend.  
-“Please answer.” Moomin stared deeply into his best friend’s eyes, seeing a small glimmer of sunlight starting to reflect on them.  
-“Of course I do, I know I always say how I’d rather be alone- but I like you….” He coughed and then continued, “your company and having fun with the others from time. It’s refreshing and helps me warm up after a long winter, because unlike you I do not sleep for that long. And even if I could, I wouldn’t want to, because I like exploring and moving around.”

Moomin was contempt with his friend’s reply and stared at him fondly. “Come, let’s sit a bit.” Snufkin said as he put his backpack to the side and sat on the soft white sand. Moomin followed shortly.  
They sat there admiring the sky change colors and enjoying the sound of the waves, Moomin however caught himself side-glancing towards Snufkin, he couldn’t help but stare at his friend’s soft skin or messy hair moving underneath his hat because of the arriving winter winds.  
Moomin felt strange. What made this spring different from the rest was that this spring he had been seeking more and more Snufkin’s company. Just seeing his green friend made his heart leap with joy! And… knowing that he was about to leave soon yet for another winter made his heart sad.

Of course Moomin could spend alone time with each of his friends and have just as much fun,  but he felt bad for actually having a favorite, it being Snufkin of course. There was an unspoken comfortableness he could feel only around his friend the wanderer. It was a feeling he couldn't match with any of his other friends. Moomin felt the more he thought about it the closer he was getting to answer ‘What do I feel for Snufkin?’ Part of him really didn’t want to. His mind had blocked out every sound except the one of his thoughts. He looked down slowly and saw his hand and Snufkin’s on the sand mere centimeters apart. He kept his gaze down, able to sense Snufkin’s muffled voice but unable to focus on it.

Moomin gulped and turned back to the horizon feeling his heart pounding. He liked Snufkin. He loved spending time with Snufkin. If he had to choose s-spending his life with someone else he would pick Snufkin!Moomin started to feel anxious. What would Snorkmaiden think? What would all of their friends think? Moomin’s breath started getting a bit heavy from the sudden influx of feelings and realizations.  
He froze upon feeling Snufkin’s warm hand cover his own in the most gentle of ways. The voice in his head fell silent and he locked eyes with his beloved friend.

  
“Are you feeling okay Moomin? If you like I can accompany you home and then say goodbye.”  
Moomin’s stomach sank. Oh right, they weren’t just out on an outing. Today was Snufkin’s last day in Moominvalley and the first day of winter.  
There were so many feelings washing over Moomin, as if a big cold wave hit him and stumbled him over.  
He looked down, noticing how it almost looked like a wave did wash over him. He was now towering over Snufkin. The wanderer’s hat falling to his owner’s side.  
Neither said anything, until Moomin’s sniffling broke the silence. Just as Snufkin reached out to caress Moomin’s cheek softly the troll had dipped down, positioning his snout awkwardly to plant a kiss on Snufkin’s lips.

It really did feel like time froze then and there. Moomin wished he could stay that way forever until realization started to hit him. He had just given his best friend a kiss on the lips. Snufkin looked perplexed and made no attempt to move, only moving his head so his gaze could follow Moomin’s movements.  
“S-snufkin I’m sorry I kissed you without asking. I-I’m so, so sorry.” The poor creature started panicking more and got up, scurrying home running on all fours. It wasn’t common Moomin did that, but he was faster that way if only a little, leaving his friend behind.

Once home Moomin climbed up the stairs leading to his room and considered leaving them up, but decided to put them away so Little My didn’t notice he had gone out earlier. She was supposed to come hibernate with the family in some days. Moomin nested underneath his blankets still unable to process what he had done. He felt guilty for daring take something without consent and out of the blue!  
He hoped the long slumber would help the feeling of guilt wash away.  
But it didn’t.

  
Once hibernation started the only thing he could dream a long dream of his chasing after Snufkin in various scenarios. And every time he was close to catching him, Snufkin disappeared, leaving the troll to feel tiny and alone.  
But also every now and then a good dream would take place. Involving a small cottage hidden inside the woods, where he and Snufkin would laze around for days. Napping underneath the warm sun, sharing a hammock and dancing slowly like… Mamma and Pappa would.  
At the very end of his hibernation he had a good dream like the one just described. Except this time, Moomin held Snufkin like Pappa would hold Mamma, and in the dream Moomin leaned down slowly, his lips targeting Snufkin and-

  
Then his alarm sounded. The sound startling him enough to fall out of his bed wide awake.  
He rubbed his head and checked his clock. It was spring already!! That meant… Snufkin!Moomin got up and went downstairs. A welcoming smell emerging from the kitchen. Oh? Moominmamma was already up and cooking.  
“Happy spring dear. Did you hibernate well?” She smiled softly while she stacked some pancakes for her son. “Yeah! Had uh… nice dreams with all my friends! I’m glad to see them again and play and explore a lot too!” Moomin exclaimed happily.

Groggily down the stairs came Little My, “Good morning everyone- I’m starving!”  
“Take a seat dear. I’ll give you some pancakes soon.” She spoke softly as she placed a plate in front of Moomin. Moomin wasted no time in eating, being mindful to not eat too fast or messily.  
“Say Moomin what are you gonna do today? I was thinking we could play a bit with what’s left form the snow!” Little My suggested.  
-“Thanks but no! First day of spring means Snufkin comes back!” Moomin said full of glee.  
-“You’re no fun. Guess I’ll ask the others then, since you want to wait and waiting’s no fun!”  
-“Suit yourself”.

And so My and the others went to explore post-winter Moominvalley. They had asked Moomin  
accompany them but he refused. Opting to sit on the bridge where they would always reunite in spring.  
And so Moomin waited…  
And waited…  
And waited…  
Until dusk approached. Moomin was starting to feel tired but never bored. He loved his friend so much he wouldn’t get bored of waiting. All he had to do was think about all the fun adventures they’d have together.  
Oh well. The moon rose up high and it was already dark. Moomin slowly made his way back to his house. Moominmamma offering a kind knowing smile. She had seen her son wait all day near the bridge but nothing. Snufkin was nowhere to be seen. She sighed and offered kind words. “Don’t worry dear. He’ll come back. Maybe he just got distracted exploring.”  
-“I know Mamma. Thanks. I’ll be going to bed now.” He waved his mom off and started walking up the stairs.

  
Next day; nothing as well.  
Then it was a week and uncertainty was suffocating Moomin. Where was Snufkin?  
Then it dawned on the little troll, he remembered the last time he saw his friend and started feeling uneasy.  
Could it be that Snufkin wouldn’t be coming back to Moominvalley because he disliked Moomin now?

 

**Next Chapter: "Kay-Ray-Kú-Kú-Kó-Kex" Snufkin's point of view.**


	2. Kay-Ray-Kú-Kú-Kó-Kex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why does it have no name? This rush of putrid joy." 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPD1vMFT1Po
> 
> Moomin is like 15 and Snufkin 16 in this fic.  
> Also I'm gonna freestyle the hell out of this work :( I've been in my new job for a year now and I just haven't had time to join a fandom properly. With that I mean i haven't had time to read the books. Job and side projects. That's all I've done.

Eyes wide and body tense. Was that a- oh god that is a tongue touching his. Snufkin stayed frozen, not knowing what to do. He had dreamt about this moment, but this was against his will! And now it was becoming reality… But against his will!! Snufkin felt his heart swell up and the small moment felt like minutes, even days…

But as soon as it happened, it was gone. The lone wanderer lying on his back left to recollect his scrambled thoughts. He slowly got up to pick up his hat and stared into the distance watching his best friend who had just… kissed him run off. Yes, what he felt were Moomin’s soft lips on him.

He felt his face heat up suddenly. He didn’t recall The Snorkmaiden and Moomin ever displaying such level of affection. So why him? What made him special? Snufkin’s mind and heart were racing high speeds by the second. He was left alone on the beach and confused for some time. 

After managing to return his heartbeat to normal somehow Snufkin felt his body move in autopilot. He fixed his hat on his head, grabbed his backpack and started walking. Getting farther from Moominvalley, and farther from his best friend, dear Moomin.

He had just crossed the bridge where they would meet again in the spring when a gust of wind passed by harshly and small flakes of snow started to pepper the ground. Snufkin held on to his hat so it didn’t fly away. Slowly but surely continuing his walk. He could feel winter’s cold breath against his back. He tried to focus as much as he could on walking. He did not feel like thinking right now. He focused on his steps, he counted them for a good part of the walk. He focused on the different materials and textures he came across. Anything no matter how minor to keep him from thinking about what had happened.

Sun rose yet the day remained mostly cloudy, and the wanderer kept on walking until he could no longer keep moving. He saw a nice rock to sit on, so he put his backpack on the floor, realizing he had reached the border of the snowfall. Where the snow ends and its pretty visible... you could say that the sight was also pretty.  
“This isn’t something you see every day.” He said to himself enjoying the view. Seeing clearly the division of where he was where no snow fell and the lone distance where his back was facing.

“Such a beautiful sight and it's only the first day, I can’t wait to tell Moomin when I go ba-.” He stopped. He warned himself that he was about to enter territory he didn’t want to deal with. He closed his mouth and eyed his backpack. He sighed and finished his small break, getting up and walking to it, beginning to set up camp. After that he started his fire and walked to the small river on his side of the area.

He was glad to see it hadn’t frozen over just yet, so he decided to fish a bit. Once the sun started setting he added more wood to his fire and prepared some soup, using some small veggies Moominmamma had given him the day before. Once he finished he went to wash his plates.  
He winced one his skin made contact with the water.

Oh yeah, you’re supposed to be careful around water in winter. He proceeded to wash them anyway trying to ignore the pain. His mind was of course still wired and thinking of a certain white cotton ball. Oh how he missed his warmth. But Snufkin was certain something had just changed between them and he was scared.

Once inside his tent Snufkin changed into his more comfortable sleepwear. He lied down and debated whether he should reroute and skip Moominvalley next spring or come back. He felt cruel just considering it. He knew it would break Moomin's heart. He brushed the thought away knowing that if he gave in to guilt he would not be able to sleep. He was just scratching the surface of his thoughts. But he was too tired to keep worrying about those things. So he decided to leave those decision to his future self.

And so Snufkin dreamt. He dreamt that he was on his way back to Moominvalley. To Moomin’s house. To him. His… home as well. He guessed he could call it that. In his dream he saw himself in third person. He was trailing behind himself, seeing the confidence in each step his dream-self took. He looked around, noticing how with each step dream Snufkin took, snow melted, and flowers bloomed under each step he took and after a brief moment he could hear it. His spring song. His dream self was making his presence known by playing the mouth organ. He knew that would get Moomin's attention once they got close enough.

It was as if he was bringing spring to his dear friend to wake him from his deep slumber. A gift for Moomin. They both walked until reaching the all too familiar house. He felt his heartbeat rise. Could it be? Maybe everything is back to normal. Snufkin thought. Although he realized something felt odd… He never went towards Moomin. Moomin always came out to greet him. He never felt the need to do that himself because it's just the way things were. So why?-

The door slammed open and there he was. Moomin stood in the entrance, his tail wagging excitedly behind him Snufkin noticed. He saw his dream-self and the troll hug in a warm embrace. Snufkin couldn’t help but smile at the sight. And then the troll started nuzzling Snufkin’s face gently with his snout. Snufkin felt as if he was encased in ice at the sight.He took a step back apprehensively. Honestly scared of the display of affection the two figures of his wandering imagination were having. Sure, he's held Moomin's hand before, even hugged the troll as well. But now, it almost seemed that there was a different meaning to those gestures. He didn’t want to look, in part because he felt it wasn’t his place to do so. But he was frozen.

Suddenly, he saw chains slither out form inside the house like snakes. Starting to wrap around his dream-figure. It was odd because he could feel the coldness of the chains even though they were not pressing directly against his own skin.  
The chains came out and kept wrapping themselves around the other Snufkin, meanwhile Moomin was looking at him adoringly and pleading him to stay. ‘Stay with me Snufkin. Forever and ever… Because I love y-‘

Overwhelmed, Snufkin woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. He Took a time to collect his surroundings. He gulped trying to keep the tears sprouting from his eyes from falling. Wiping his face with his pijama’s sleeve. Rubbing it all over trying to feel a sense in reality.

The dream had helped him realize. He wasn’t against loving his best friend. Except Moomin already had The Snorkmaiden so why him!? But he also realized that even though he was here, thousands of steps away. He was dreading getting to this conclusion but he realized… even though he was all the way out here, he had left his heart in Moominvalley.

Snufkin looked around inside the tent for his mug and got out as fast as he could, going to the small stream only to noticed it had already frozen up. He knocked on the cold surface with the bottom half of his mug and managed to break the solid but not thick film of ice that had covered the stream. He collected some water and put it near his fire, opting to start his campfire again, for the water was too cold to drink.

After warming it a bit and waiting for it to cool down again, he chugged the liquid down and wiped his mouth once more with his sleeve… He should probably stop doing that. He went back inside to into his normal clothes. He needed to keep walking since the snow would catch up to him in no time.

While he was getting dressed, Snufkin accidentally pulled on his coat a bit too harshly, making a button pop out. His buttons were special, the kind you couldn’t find in town stores anymore.Purchase aside, he was a being of little to no possession. To Snufkin the very clothes he wore helped him remember all the good times spent his friends. He believed the small button contained many happy memories of him in the valley. He didn’t want to carry it around and risk losing it. He stared at it for a while thinking oh how he wished he had asked Moominmamma for a spare roll of thread.

Snufkin packed his things, the button being stored neatly into a small metal case where he kept needles and other useful small things, and bid farewell to the temporary resting spot and started walking. Feeling at peace yet uneasy how he realized he wouldn’t mind kissing Moomin again. But it was his friend’s expectations and desires to stay what made him scared. But deep down he was happy, he knew he was.

Snufkin kept walking absentmindedly until reaching a small glen, devoid of its usual flowers because of the weather and looked up. The sun had been out when he woke up, but it was gray now. At least he didn’t have to worry getting sunburns in the winter he thought trying to justify walking in the now colder atmosphere. He looked out in the distance and could make out something. A small town. Maybe he could find a roll of thread there. As long as he didn’t feel overwhelmed by its residents, everything should be just fine.

**Next Chapter: Beyond Moominvalley**


End file.
